Ok, Parker. Me, Holding things back? Nah.
Parker of Fuck you Friday (which will probably win a Pulitzer by the time I'm done posting, because he, like me, is super-famous on the web), left me a comment on my "Bad Judgement Call" post for leaving out what I said to Mama BatShit.
Me, holding things back? Nuh, uh, buddy...I am totally unfiltered.
So I will elaborate. But I HAVE TO leave out personal details about their family that I so kindly threw into her fat redneck face, classy lady that I am. Why? Well, I'm already going to hell. I don't want to get into the "sodomized with a pineapple and made to listen to ICP" section. Ok??
So, as soon as this woman alluded that she was aware of "my opinion" of her family, I let loose. Like a thirteen year old girl, via text message.
Well, in my defense, trashy woman like to yell a lot when you start telling them undeniable truths about their own menial existences. Somehow, to these woman, if they can't hear the words coming out of your mouth, it never happened, and is somehow less true. You can't yell over written word. Black and white, there is it, ready to seek and destroy.
So, I told her what I thought. I will tell you all what I think, ahem, PARKER.
Follow me here, though. You need some back story. Otherwise I just come off as the most heartless human being on the planet. I am not. So follow me on the back story.
The reason I am getting divorced, blogging, raising my children alone and ready to move on with my life is:
My husband used to beat me.
Big surprise, right? Me, with the eight billion children under the age of six, with the cutoff jean shorts, pack of Newports, crappy apartment and depressing finances...has an abusive husband?! Preposterous! But yes, it is true. And domestic violence is no laughing matter.
But fat rednecks are.
So, I told Mama BatShit was an incredible enabler she is. That she raised my husband and his siblings to believe, conclusively, that this sort of behavior (as well as the recreational use of drugs, alcohol, and questionable parenting) is somehow acceptable, excusable, some one else's fault.
Which is true. When I was seven months pregnant, BatShit and I got into an argument. I am a total bitch, particularly in arguments, if you couldn't tell. I spew venom like a damn camel spider. He knocked me unconscious, seven months pregnant with his eldest son. WHILE ON THE PHONE WITH HIS MOTHER. What did this vestige of materal wisdom do? Call the police? Call an ambulance? Admonish her son for his bad behavior and insist he seek intervention immediately? Nope. It was my fault. If I wasn't so mean to her son, if I didn't compare him to my ex's when I got angry, if I could just do what he told me to, what he wanted me to do, then he wouldn't get pushed so far as to hit me. Pregnant. With his child.
Clearly, she is a genius.
Shittiest. Mother. Ever.
So, this is why I call her an enabler. It's not mincing words. It's what she is.
I brought up a couple instances of trauma in BatShit's life that are clearly her fault. It is our job as parents to protect our children. I won't let my own husband beat or degrade me in front of our children. For their protection. I would never let harm come to them. She did. To all of her children. They are dysfunctional, poorly educated, unhappy, petty adults because of it. Mothers are supposed to protect their children, it's the basic task of parenthood, an animalistic instinct. Well, guess what, Mama Batshit? You FAILED.
And now my children suffer for it.
I congratulated her on raising a unemployed, thirty-something, mentally ill abusive loser.
I told her next time she wants to blame someone for his problems, she should look in a mirror.
And I told them all, they need to stay the fuck away from my children.
For pretty good reason.
To elaborate, here are some awesome bits of parental advice I have recieved from the BatShit clan:
If a toddler gets in to the biting phase, simply bite them back. Toddlers have no empathy. They are not mature enough to develop it. So "ouch, it hurts when mommy bites me", does not equate to "it hurts when I bite others". And besides, isn't biting a child included in the statute of child abuse?
Children can be allergic to organic foods. Don't even get me started.
BatShit himself told me of a "home remedy" for colic that included cigarette smoke, a plastic bottle and a child's forehead, and anotherone that included (yikes!) feeding a child a mixture of kerosene and sugar. His sister tried this on his nephew. Luckily, the child is still alive. So much for natural selection...
Mama BatShit feels it is appropriate to bail the father of your children out of jail with the kids in tow. She did it.
Mama BatShit feels it's appropriate to leave your children with a friend while you go on a bender, with no definite return date. On Easter. She did it.
Mama BatShit thinks if a man abuses his wife in front of the kids, it's ok. It's a problem between the parents. Her son did it, and she told state social workers this.
Am I crazy??? Or are they???
I would apologize for embarrassing any of the BatShit family, if in fact, it were my fault. Simply put, they embarrass themselves by being so damn crazy. I can, and will, slowly come out about my faults, bad decisions and struggles. Because I can identify them, proccess it, and move on. I have a little something called "perspective." Redneck former inlaws, kindly locate a dictionary, look up the word, and think about it.
Parker of Fuck you Friday (which will probably win a Pulitzer by the time I'm done posting, because he, like me, is super-famous on the web), left me a comment on my "Bad Judgement Call" post for leaving out what I said to Mama BatShit.
Me, holding things back? Nuh, uh, buddy...I am totally unfiltered.
So I will elaborate. But I HAVE TO leave out personal details about their family that I so kindly threw into her fat redneck face, classy lady that I am. Why? Well, I'm already going to hell. I don't want to get into the "sodomized with a pineapple and made to listen to ICP" section. Ok??
So, as soon as this woman alluded that she was aware of "my opinion" of her family, I let loose. Like a thirteen year old girl, via text message.
Well, in my defense, trashy woman like to yell a lot when you start telling them undeniable truths about their own menial existences. Somehow, to these woman, if they can't hear the words coming out of your mouth, it never happened, and is somehow less true. You can't yell over written word. Black and white, there is it, ready to seek and destroy.
So, I told her what I thought. I will tell you all what I think, ahem, PARKER.
Follow me here, though. You need some back story. Otherwise I just come off as the most heartless human being on the planet. I am not. So follow me on the back story.
The reason I am getting divorced, blogging, raising my children alone and ready to move on with my life is:
My husband used to beat me.
Big surprise, right? Me, with the eight billion children under the age of six, with the cutoff jean shorts, pack of Newports, crappy apartment and depressing finances...has an abusive husband?! Preposterous! But yes, it is true. And domestic violence is no laughing matter.
But fat rednecks are.
So, I told Mama BatShit was an incredible enabler she is. That she raised my husband and his siblings to believe, conclusively, that this sort of behavior (as well as the recreational use of drugs, alcohol, and questionable parenting) is somehow acceptable, excusable, some one else's fault.
Which is true. When I was seven months pregnant, BatShit and I got into an argument. I am a total bitch, particularly in arguments, if you couldn't tell. I spew venom like a damn camel spider. He knocked me unconscious, seven months pregnant with his eldest son. WHILE ON THE PHONE WITH HIS MOTHER. What did this vestige of materal wisdom do? Call the police? Call an ambulance? Admonish her son for his bad behavior and insist he seek intervention immediately? Nope. It was my fault. If I wasn't so mean to her son, if I didn't compare him to my ex's when I got angry, if I could just do what he told me to, what he wanted me to do, then he wouldn't get pushed so far as to hit me. Pregnant. With his child.
Clearly, she is a genius.
Shittiest. Mother. Ever.
So, this is why I call her an enabler. It's not mincing words. It's what she is.
I brought up a couple instances of trauma in BatShit's life that are clearly her fault. It is our job as parents to protect our children. I won't let my own husband beat or degrade me in front of our children. For their protection. I would never let harm come to them. She did. To all of her children. They are dysfunctional, poorly educated, unhappy, petty adults because of it. Mothers are supposed to protect their children, it's the basic task of parenthood, an animalistic instinct. Well, guess what, Mama Batshit? You FAILED.
And now my children suffer for it.
I congratulated her on raising a unemployed, thirty-something, mentally ill abusive loser.
I told her next time she wants to blame someone for his problems, she should look in a mirror.
And I told them all, they need to stay the fuck away from my children.
For pretty good reason.
To elaborate, here are some awesome bits of parental advice I have recieved from the BatShit clan:
If a toddler gets in to the biting phase, simply bite them back. Toddlers have no empathy. They are not mature enough to develop it. So "ouch, it hurts when mommy bites me", does not equate to "it hurts when I bite others". And besides, isn't biting a child included in the statute of child abuse?
Children can be allergic to organic foods. Don't even get me started.
BatShit himself told me of a "home remedy" for colic that included cigarette smoke, a plastic bottle and a child's forehead, and anotherone that included (yikes!) feeding a child a mixture of kerosene and sugar. His sister tried this on his nephew. Luckily, the child is still alive. So much for natural selection...
Mama BatShit feels it is appropriate to bail the father of your children out of jail with the kids in tow. She did it.
Mama BatShit feels it's appropriate to leave your children with a friend while you go on a bender, with no definite return date. On Easter. She did it.
Mama BatShit thinks if a man abuses his wife in front of the kids, it's ok. It's a problem between the parents. Her son did it, and she told state social workers this.
Am I crazy??? Or are they???
I would apologize for embarrassing any of the BatShit family, if in fact, it were my fault. Simply put, they embarrass themselves by being so damn crazy. I can, and will, slowly come out about my faults, bad decisions and struggles. Because I can identify them, proccess it, and move on. I have a little something called "perspective." Redneck former inlaws, kindly locate a dictionary, look up the word, and think about it.
Much better! It sad that you had to endure such trials it truly is. I am just happy for you that you are not Mrs. Batshit (or at least trying not to be any more). these are the details that will grab your readers by the vaginas and keep them coming back! (assuming most of your readers are female) those home remedies sound like something out of the Kevorkian Family Cook Book. I hope that we can keep bouncing back and forth between our blogs, like a fucking bottle of johnny walker at the Batshit clan's Easter dinner.
ReplyDeleteI think we're a sardonic web-based team now.
ReplyDeleteAnd uh, what's the off-brand, dirt cheap, "everyone in the store knows your an alcoholic for buying this" version of Johnny Walker? Cuz they go all out and break THAT out for a fancy o-casion like Easter.
ReplyDelete