After a few beers I stopped by my neighbor's house to talk. She's going through something slightly similar to the rapidly declining clusterfuck that my divorce has become. Well, it's not exactly the same, but close enough.
But honestly, our struggling, low-income, teen pregnancy-divorce riddled pasts seem to draw a certain tie between all of our situations. I hear myself giving the same advice to at least three different friends, in different contexts, then going home and breaking all of my own rules.
My advice is good. I'm ninety five percent positive that most of the people on the receiving end of my psychologically-charged pep talks would all agree that I give sound, empowered, reasonable and (mostly) cement advice. But I also understand the plight. Personally.
Other people who disrespect you in some fashion on a regular basis start to wear you down. They hold that proverbial carrot over you as you run in circles, usually stemming from a lack of support at home. Today he might love me, today he might want a divorce. I might be his only focus, and his children, or he might focus all of his attention on someone or something else. he might stay faithful when he says, he might not.
It's maddening when you live in such a constant state of adjustment, especially with children.
But you have to hold it together for the kids.
My husband cheated on me. He told me about it to "build trust", and I asked questions. Uncomfortable questions, details, comparisons. This man makes me crazy. He tells me how much better looking she is than me; how everyone in the bar was jealous. This kills my self esteem. I find her on facebook, and definitively see how she is less attractive. She is homely, plain and simple. I post pictures of her next to mine, just to get reassurance from people that I am, in fact, more attractive. But I know I am. And I doubt the (literally) 80+ people who assure me. You follow me? Because I barely can....
This man warps my sense of reality. He says, "Well, to me you're move attractive...but most men would think she is." I shouldn't have asked him to compare. But it's so hard not to. Crazy compulsive shit. And I see, with my own eyes, with so many people telling me, that I come up on top. And when I mention this to him, he makes me feel like I'm lying or crazy and just ugly.
I know I am miserable with him. I know he is no asset to me. I pay all my own bills, I do the majority of the childcare, I cook and I clean; and if I don't, it just doesn't get done. He is mean to me, and I am so resentful that I am mean to him. Can you blame me??? I'm incredibly verbally abusive and petty. I play immature little games.
But I'm being driven fucking crazy.
My strength is, I'm honestly as good as a mom as one could be in this situation. I play with my children, I cook them nutritious meals (we know quinoa in this family, look it up. We eat tabbouleh and fruits and vegetables at every meal, we cook from scratch - together), I bathe my kids every day, I read to them and help with homework, I make sure they are outside as much as possible and I slather them with sunscreen, I brush their teeth two times a day, since six months old with each, and I take to the dentist early. I work as hard as I can...but the stress of cold, hard reality is starting to wear me down. It's spilling over; I'm snapping at my kids more. I'm yelling at their father over the phone for cheating, in front of them.
I can admit when I stumble. I own this behavior. I need to fix it.
First step is this: letting it go. Sign the divorce papers, move on...until then....just live life like I already had. He will never be able to make a commitment to anything. He can't commit to marriage enough to behavior as a husband should, but he won't commit to a divorce. It's like balancing a tightrope May the literary Gods strike me dead for that cliche. But there's no other way to do it.
Well, you know what? I'm setting another place at the devil's dinner table for this one. ________, who is fucking my estranged husband: I'm sorry. This is petty and embarrassing and nut-so crazy inappropriate. I feel bad for you, because if you do end up with Bat Shit husband...well, that's what you're going to get. He is so good at making me look crazy that I tend to believe it, but the facts stand as they are, and as emotionally unstable as I may be right now, I can pierce deeply in to reality. But what I'm about to do isn't right:
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| Other Woman Me |
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