So my dear dear friend and I had a wonderful conversation via text message today. He is one of my oldest and dearest pals, and I wanted to share this because he is SO well versed in Kate-ology:
It started when I asked him to take a look at my last, very immoral entry.
ME: did you see what I meant about the post? I got out of line.
HIM: I messaged you on facebook.
ME: I saw.
HIM: So then yeah, you got out of line. We all do it once in a while. Youll fix it and not do it again. No biggie.
ME: You can see what drove me to do it, right?
HIM: Well yeah...but the deeper reason is your need for validation (exemplified by your very question.) But i hope you'll learn that you don't really need that validation...your life validates itself. You have a beautiful family which you provide for all by yourself - you don't need anyones approval but your own and your kids
ME:I know. But it snowballs. He puts me down so much that my confidence is ruined. So that sets me up for a bad reaction. Then when I finally see her I feel compelled to tell him that she is in fact not attractive, and he tells me I am wrong. So I look to my friends to validate me, which they do, and then I report back to him, who tells me they are lying because they are my friends. So the audience polled get larger and larger, and every time I come back with "THE FINAL" proof he refutes, and it continues...
ME: It becomes a question of not only my physical beauty but my own perception and sanity quickly. Which, ironically, compels me to act out in a pretty crazy way.
HIM: This girl has no relevance to your life. You exist independently of her, and frankly even if she looked like Anne Hathaway it wouldn't matter. Don't give him this power over you.
ME: Its not even about her personally. It's about looking at something with my own eyes, seeing reality as it IS and having him push me to question it. Were she attractive, no issue. But I see that she is not, and he makes me feel crazy and doubt my own eyes. Maddening.
HIM: So breathe and remove yourself from the situation in the first place. I know firsthand how much easier said than done that is, but it's the only way to stop the snowballing effect.
HIM: He has whatever power you give him. No more - no less.
ME: I know.
ME: Honestly though, outside of my non existent needy lack of self esteem and laundry list of issues, am I an attractive woman?
HIM: If I answer that question i am going against everything that i just said. You must validate yourself.
ME: You suck.
HIM: :) Noted.
ME: Well how exactly do I validate myself? Especially on an issue that revolves around how other people perceive me?
HIM: I'm pretty sure it begins with knowing the great things you are that don't depend on other people. Then you acknowledge the things you are because the people you love and trust tell you that you are. And as for people you hate? They don't play into this at all.
ME: Oh God, ____, I sound like a pre teen. I'm losing my mind.
HIM: Don't flatter yourself- you never had a sane mind to begin with :). But accept that, because that's part of why the right people love you.
ME: I used to insane in a relatively self-assured, fun, comfortable manner...
ME: You have dethroned Dr. Phil. You are too grounded for my pathology ridden little mind.
HIM: Please don't mock my advice. I might not have any comprehension of your specific situation, but i assure you i have plenty of experience with crazy.
ME: No, I would never! I appreciate your advice. I LOVE DR. PHIL. I sit on the edge of my seat for every word he says. I don't care, I fricken' love Dr. Phil.
HIM: Ok I apologize, I thought it was an insult. I'm well aware that people cross a line with their pathologies, but I also know that those people are not generally aware that they've crossed that line. Its a paradox, but it shows me that whatever issues you've developed are probably not pathologies so much as irrational responses to an impossible situation. You take care of all your kids on your own: isn't that something to be proud of?
ME: It's an achievement, of course. But then it all comes back to him. He offers no support, no help, then calls me up to pick out my shortcomings, criticize my parenting and tell me that I just put up the appearance of a good mother. A "thank you for taking care of our children while I go out drinking, partying, and sleeping around while remaining unemployed" would be nice...
HIM: I'm sure you've considered this might be more of an indication of HIS pathologies. You've wisely chosen not to believe anything positive he says - why not do the same with the negative??
ME: Because he has been programming me for years to. The isolation, the name calling, put downs, control and beatings, constant pregnancy - not just random acts. they culminate in me compulsively believing his word over others and even common sense.
HIM: You'll get their eventually. Really. But for now you absolutely need to not have unnecessary contact with him. Period.
ME: But you know? I feel guilty and silly saying this, but i KNOW i'm uncommonly beautiful. I've had a bunch of kids and I'm still thin. I have nice curves. I have beautiful eyes and even when I'm juggling a bunch of kids, men notice me in public.
HIM: See? I knew you could answer the question on your own :). I'm proud of you. Must put phone away now.
ME: K thanks for everything. You can send me the bill...:)
Shitty marriage?? Yup. Amazing friends by the bucket? Absolutely. Works for me!
No comments:
Post a Comment